It Is Your Life, Take Control! "Boundaries and Personal Growth."

It has been said that setting good boundaries gives one the ability to say no and not feel guilty for doing so.

In essence, this is true.

This is one of the many great outcomes of setting good boundaries - and who doesn’t want to be able to say what they really desire without the fear of backlash for their own choices, right?

Well, the topic of boundaries doesn’t only end with this reality but actually means so much more! To get to this place of guilt-free resolution, we need to unpack the true foundations on which it stands.

It first needs to be stated, even though it seems to be an obvious statement, that “If we want to see change and growth in our lives, we need to be in full control.”

Sounds simple!

Well, from another angle, the opposite is also true - if we are not in command or control of who we are and what happens to us, we will not have the life we desire.

In effect, we will be allowing other people to have control over us, dictating what we say, do and feel - even to the extent that our beliefs, values, and identities will be determined by things and others, other than ourselves.

Let’s look at an interesting example.

I was working with Jane (a pseudonym) where boundaries were an issue, and after some work together, Jane came to the "Aha!" moment of how this played out for her.

In the moment she profoundly stated, “Sometimes, you don’t know what you are feeling or thinking, based on what others are feeling or thinking!”

Making sense? Clear as mud?

Contents

1. So, What Are the Types of Boundaries?

2. Let’s Look at a Different Analogy

3. The Relationship between Boundaries and Personal Growth

4. Concluding Thoughts

Here lies the importance of boundaries. Essentially Jane was identifying that boundaries are the parameters in which she allows life, people’s behaviours, and influences, to enhance, or detract from the quality of her life and her dynamic identity.

In trying to base her worth, identity, and what she must think or feel based on what others think and feel, Jane realised she couldn’t identify what she genuinely thought and felt. And to a certain extent, she didn’t know who she was for herself.

This new awareness alone enabled Jane to establish the boundary, by highlighting her thoughts and feelings for herself, and so learnt what she was thinking and feeling.

In simple words. Jane highlighted and defined a boundary that served her personal growth.

So, What Are the Types of Boundaries?

For this article, I will be referencing and adding to concepts of boundaries from the book “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life,” by Henry Cloud, and John Townsend.

To better understand what boundaries are, it’s best to tackle this question first:

where is it important to set up boundaries?

Firstly, there are “physical/personal boundaries.”

These boundaries are concerned with personal space, such as how people are allowed to touch you, and your privacy. This is usually a simpler place to set boundaries and are often protected by laws. These include – not causing grievous bodily harm; theft and having respect for property or belongings; it can include assaults of various kinds, just to name a few. Many times, violations of physical boundaries in the form of abuse also have their origins in other types of boundary violations.

Physical/personal boundaries may appear to be obvious, but violations can be so subtle, and leave you feeling unsafe, or taken advantage of. Have you ever shared too many personal or private things that made you feel vulnerable to the extent of being taken advantage of or violated?

In the next three sets of areas, one can set boundaries that can become a challenging task to defend and even articulate.

Let us have a look.

The second, major area of boundary setting is “emotional boundaries.”

These have to do with expressing emotions and setting emotional limits. Setting boundaries like this helps you protect your emotional well-being.

Like Jane, regulating how others make you feel, enables you to feel authentically, not out of guilt or shame. It enables you to make healthy emotional connections. It also enables you to be assertive and gives you the freedom to be honest, at the same time knowing where your limits are. This type of boundary is essential for building authenticity in self and relationships.

I find that people who suffer from a lack of emotional boundaries tend to struggle to understand the limitations and boundaries of responsibility.

What are you responsible for? And what are others? Knowing what we are responsible for or not responsible for, frees us up from being beholden to other people’s insecurities as they try to impede on our emotional boundaries.

Thirdly, there are “mental boundaries.”

This entails the protection of your thoughts, values, and beliefs. Mental boundaries allow you to function and have autonomy for the greater good, while your thoughts, values and beliefs are not manipulated or stepped on. This includes your ability to have and share opinions without fear of other perspectives and pressures to conform without expression. However, it does allow you to openly hear other people’s opinions, thoughts, beliefs, and values naturally.

The fourth type of boundary that is important to establish is in “spiritual boundaries.”

This is the ability to protect, nurture and live your spirituality. It sets limits on you defining your core spiritual boundaries that align with your core spiritual values, and how you interact, participate, and make a commitment that is authentic and aligned to your faith and journey. This means knowing your faith and beliefs without fear or needing to defend your own motives, while being able to respect and acknowledge those of others.

All good? So, what do boundaries look like and what is it functionally?

The Sport Analogy

Now that we have understood the four primary areas where we need to set and grow stature in our boundaries, the next step is to view boundaries in action.

As the name suggests, boundaries are just that, a set of rules and demarcations laid out that are not to be crossed or trespassed.

If a sport were to have no set of rules, would the game be fair? For both teams to play, a set of rules are made within which the teams can perfect their competition in fairness.

The same principles apply to how we react or interact with others.

If the other team does not play according to the rules, cries of unfairness and violations abound. However, recognising that you are the referee of the match, calling out the fowls and enforcing fairness, allows you to define what type of match is being played. Just like in rugby, there are regular reviews of the rules to which the players and coaches propose to make the game fair and safe and the same with soccer and golf. Rules determine the playing field and you are the one who sets them and enforces them.

Sport is a common and useful analogy; however, it does come with its flaws. On one side, it does explain the concept of setting rules for how people are allowed to interact with you, and that you have the whistle to call fowl. But what if the whistle is blown and there is no cooperation? Well, then disqualification or penalties are administered, and so on. Can you see where this analogy can be lacking for the simple function of a boundary? And using it, although helpful, limits the definition of a boundary.

Let’s look at a different analogy.

Picture this for a moment.

Image 1: Palisade fencing

Imagine you have a property that is yours and a house that you own sits on it. Then you decide to build a great big fence around it. Imagine it as a steel palisade-type fence (view image 1). Through the bars of the fence, you can see the world around you, and the world can also notice the unique and beautiful house inside.

Although you can see the world around the house and the world can notice the house, you hold the remote for the gate or entrance to the property. You alone will allow who enters and exits the property. If you see thugs or vandals, you close the gate. When you see some friends coming to help with home improvements, you open the gate. Essentially, you are the gatekeeper to your house.

Now inside your yard, you may have dogs, maybe a car you like to drive comfortably, and children playing. When you want to take your car for a ride you open the gate and leave to make an impact on the world. But you don’t want your dog to go and bite people walking past and so you keep the gate closed.

Such is the function of boundaries.

Replace the house with your mind, emotion, body, spirituality, and all the things that make you, you. What does the boundary serve?

A boundary serves to keep the bad out (the thugs) and let the good in (home improvements), while it also serves to keep the bad in (the dog that bites), and let the good out (your impact on the world).

Quite a helpful analogy, right?

These are the key points to make with this analogy. Firstly, the fence and gate must be able to let the good in and out, and it must be able to show its value (hence the palisade-type fence). Having a brick wall for a boundary is not healthy as it doesn’t display your value. Equally having a fence that can be jumped or pushed over doesn’t help either.

Secondly, even though the house is visible and proudly beautiful to all who observe it, you have control over who enters (the friends for home improvements) and those whom you keep out (the thugs and vandals). And similarly, this helps you regulate what you let out into the world, by your choice. But you must actively maintain the gate; otherwise, it may stop working or be overrun.

Now that we know what a boundary does and in which areas, we must know how to build boundaries.

Let's briefly explore the value of what successful boundaries afford us in personal growth and development for a world and life for us to thrive in.

The Relationship Between Boundaries and Personal Growth

Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries can contribute towards your overall development, increased self-esteem, and emotional well-being.

Here are some insights to take note of:

1. Building Self-Esteem:

Setting and enforcing personal boundaries can significantly impact your self-esteem.

By clearly defining what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, you can establish a sense of self-worth and communicate your value to others. This, in turn, grows healthy relationships and builds confidence.

2. Empowerment and Autonomy:

Boundaries provide you with a sense of empowerment and autonomy over your life.

When you learn you can say "no" to things that drain your energy, compromise your values, or hinder your personal growth, you gain control over your time, energy, and emotions. This empowerment allows you to pursue your passions, goals, and dreams more effectively.

3. Emotional Resilience:

Developing and maintaining boundaries helps you protect your emotional well-being.

By setting limits on how others can treat you and by establishing healthy emotional boundaries, you create space for emotional safety and reduce the likelihood of being manipulated, exploited, or overwhelmed by others' demands. This leads to increased emotional resilience and the ability to handle life's challenges more effectively.

4. Improved Communication:

Boundary setting necessitates effective communication.

As you learn to clearly express your needs, desires, and limitations, you develop better communication skills. This leads to healthier and more authentic relationships, where open and honest dialogue bolsters mutual understanding and respect.

5. Personal Development:

Boundaries act as a catalyst for personal growth and self-improvement.

By identifying and understanding personal limitations, you can work towards overcoming them, pushing past your comfort zones, and embracing new opportunities. Boundaries serve as a guide for you to pursue personal development goals and make choices that align with your values and desires.

6. Healthy Decision-Making:

Boundaries aid in making sound decisions aligned with your personal values and priorities.

By having clear boundaries in place, you can evaluate opportunities, relationships, and commitments against their established limits. This facilitates better decision-making, allowing you to make choices that contribute positively to your overall well-being and personal growth.

7. Setting and Achieving Goals:

Boundaries play a significant role in setting and achieving personal goals.

By identifying priorities and creating boundaries that support those goals, you can focus your time, energy, and resources on what truly matters to you. This promotes a sense of purpose and direction, facilitating progress and accomplishment in various areas of life.

8. Strengthening Identity:

Boundaries help you develop and maintain a strong sense of identity.

By defining your personal limits, values, and beliefs, you establish a clear understanding of who you are and what you stand for. This self-awareness strengthens your identity and enables you to engage in relationships and experiences that align with your authentic self.

Concluding Thoughts

Overall, boundaries are not only essential for maintaining healthy relationships but are also vital for personal growth and self-fulfilment. By setting boundaries, you can take control of your life, nurture your well-being, and actively pursue personal development and growth.

If you are feeling challenged or motivated by this but may need a helping hand to set boundaries in your life, seek help from someone you can trust, such as a family member or coach who has your personal development and well-being as a priority.

Find the right support and help you need to take control. After all, it’s your life!

Set Strong Boundaries